Laird and Master

Once again...

2009-07-10T19:09:00.002-06:00

I think I'll be doing this more often now. After all, my therapist says it's good for me, and I guess I have a lot to say. Like I fucked your mom. Just kidding, ask your sister.

Things are different than they've been before. For one, I'm in therapy. Guess that's not all bad. I kind of need it. I'm also driving an older car than I ever have before. I think I might keep buying old, too, since every time I get something new vehicle wise I smash it. Got a steady girl, which is nice, but confusing.

There's more, but I'm busy. Look for more soon.

I haven't updated in more than a year!!

2007-07-29T20:00:00.000-06:00

I know, I am shitty. At least I don't care about being shitty all that much. I'll try and be a little more active with this in the future. I'm pretty sure writing regularly is good for you, not that I big on good for you stuff, unless it's Guiness.

So, please expect more, and continue to check this page now and then. Here's a picture of a pweshus puppy to keep you coming back.

It's my mother's dog. It's probably 2 years old now and weighs like a pound and a half. It's name is Colossus.

Livin' La Vida Loca

2006-06-26T09:11:00.000-06:00

I'm starting a new roleplaying game! Woo! That's how great my life is! Maybe in this one, I'll get a date. That doesn't happen all the time, but it does occasionally. Ah, fantasy.
On a similar note, Ben should check out SA's take on one of the Dragonlance books. He'll either laugh, or beat me up.

The Big 666 Letdown

2006-06-09T22:23:00.000-06:00

So, as everybody knows, Tuesday was June 6, 06-06-06, Satan's day. It was a little exciting for me. Bookies were giving 10-1 odds the apocalypse would happen. That's what excited me most. My head was filled with visions of a post apocalyptic wasteland, and I was gazing upon it from my mountain fortress. I have one! It's true, ask anyone! I couldn't wait to blast my way through zombie hordes, scoop up Dream Girl, and whisk her away to said fortress, a safe distance from the horror that the metro sprawl had become. This is my twisted fantasy, so I know she'd agree. Besides, what's she supposed to do, sit around and wait to be overcome by throngs of shambling undead? That, or be enslaved by Lord Humongus and his gang of chaps-wearing punk rock warriors. Together, we'd hide in the mountains, occasionally coming out to pick at the carcass of Denver.

But none of that happened. Wednesday came, and I didn't get to smash zombies on the way to work. Things just happened the way they always do. How very dull. I'm not a warrior in an armageddon nightmare world, Dream Girl remains just that, and, perhaps most disappointingly, there are no zombies. I suppose I will learn to deal.

I need to get one of these for work

2006-04-06T22:24:00.000-06:00

But I got a part time job that rules. I'm a karaoke DJ. That's tits!

Oh yea...tits.

A (young) teen in a spa is like a kid in a candy store

2006-03-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

The title, I think, deserves an explanation. This post was going to be titled "As Promised" referring to the previous entry's boast of an upcoming post. But when I punched the "A" in, that sentence was suggested by the computer. It was too delightfully random to pass on.

Anyway, down to business. I'm watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I have to admit, I love this movie, however, the last time I watched it I was left at the end feeling exceptionally lonely. It is such a moving relation ship story that really hit home for some reason, even though I've never erased the memory of a past relationship. Well, not without some help from my "friends." You know, Jack, Jim, and Mary J. But this time it's got me thinking. It's easy to become cynical about romance. When it's absent you want nothing else, and then it shows up and it's a big pain in the ass. I think. Maybe. It's been a while, maybe I've forgotten. Anyway, I'm in the former category at the moment, and cripplingly shy. So meeting females is a bit of a challenge, particularly when I find them attractive. A nice looking girl with blue hair and I cannot utter a syllable.
So I've become a bit of a distant observer. Hey, what red blooded American male doesn't enjoy a bit of girl watching. With said sociological activities I begun to notice a bit of a disturbing pattern. Women seem to gravitate towards the kind of guy that I am not. I'm not saying I'm a bad guy, in fact, that's just the issue. Girls like "bad guys." At least, girls I'm attracted to do. And so, I've compiled a list. It is a list of things I could "improve" to increase my chances of attracting a mate. Maybe I can even help some of you other guys find love. Just obey the list. It is as follows...

1. I have a job. I don't know what it is about being attached to anyone who needs you to buy everything for them, perhaps the motherly instinct, but chicks seem to dig it.
2. I am not addicted to cocaine, methamphetamines, heroine, or any other substance more hardcore than nicotine. Perhaps this is the mother thing again, or just some desire to be a psychic Bob Villa and do a "fixer-upper."
3. I bathe regularly. I suppose this must wash away my natural pheromones. Chicks dig guys who are dirty.
4. I care, at least somewhat, about the way I look in public. If you want to impress the ladies, you have to go around in sweatpants and Big Johnson t-shirts. Butt-wiser is just as good.
5. Does gross facial hair fall into number 4? I think it deserves its own entry. I need to either stop shaving altogether, or just grow a goatee like a foot and a half long. Sexy.
6. I am not in a gang. Big turn on, apparently. I can see how having a lot of money can do it for ya, but I don't get how being shot at does anything. Endorphines, maybe.
7. Teeth. I've got those. Too bad for me, eh?
8. I don't wear makeup to make me look dead. Corpses get girls, apparently.
9. Oh yea, I need piercings. In my face. Lots of 'em. Those make ladies get all up ons.
10. All decent lists have at least ten things.

There you have it. The key to romantic success. If you want to get laid, simply OBEY the LIST. From Littleton, this is Laird.

2006-03-10T11:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't really done a real update in a while. So sue me.

Just kidding, it's brewing, I'm just in a bit of a creative slump, I guess. Once the chaos simmers down a bit, I'll have a big, fat, steaming post for ya.

'Til then, Nay Jabba No Bodda!

Hey, Bastards!

2006-03-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

2006-02-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say, for I am mourning the loss of ignorance. Truth is painful and my sanity is blasted.

2006-01-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

Went to the art museum today with my sister and my cousin Jenni. It was pretty cool, until everybody else showed up, crying children and the elderly with younger relatives there to tell them "This is a picture of a prairie." Dr. Pretentious was there staring for long minutes through Black Flies at abstract still life. I was especially moved by the landscapes. I loved all the activity in Dawn of Arcadia, and was nearly choked by Monet's smoky depiction of Waterloo Bridge, hazy foreground with a barely visible industrial skyline.

It's good for the soul, I think. I want to drink in every detail, feel how the bare feet meet the sand of the shore, smell the incense in Spanish monasteries, taste the breeze through autumn poplars.

Everyone should go. It's free on Saturday. Show up early.

Old School

2005-12-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

All I have to say is Heck Yea!! Freakin brought me to tears! Sigh, I'm old.

Skirting the Wasteland

2005-11-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

Feeling out my new digs, I went walking today. Not much of a trek, maybe a mile, but enough of a journey to experience the blight at my doorstep. Inviting colors drew me towards it, the air thick with the sounds of urban traffic. Smells of coffee and fried delicacies swept the streets carried by the afternoon breeze. And before I realized it, I was face with a hell of Dantean proportions. I gawked as zombies crept along the sidewalks clutching paper sacks from Guess and Aeropostale. I shuddered as devils peddled happiness served in Starbucks cups. I gaped in horror as brooding suburban teens smoked cigarettes outside the Lucky Strike Bowling Alley. This, my friends, is the pit of trendiness known as Bel Mar.

Located in the heart of Lakewood, and two blocks from my place, the Bel Mar is a place where well to do people take their well to do families to drown their sorrows in an orgy of commercialism. The can buy their cell phones, jewelry, hip threads, and space age toys. And when they are overcome with the shopping frenzy, they can refresh and refuel at any of a number of pricey restaurants, washing down their fatty meats (or more likely asian chicken salads with pesto and raspberry vinagrette) with grande iced machiattos, reenergizing for yet another thrust into store-bought ecsatsy. Once their thirst for trinkets is slated, they will return once more to their luxurious tombs to open their Prada and leave cans filled with packaging on the curb.

It is a flashy concrete desert, and is still under construction. I suppose I shall tolerate it. It should raise the price of my condo nicly.

I'm not so sure I should even post this

2005-09-30T14:36:00.000-06:00

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

"How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

2005-09-18T22:31:00.000-06:00

This one's for my bro. Happy wedding no. 2!

2005-08-31T12:40:00.000-06:00

So, how's my Sinead costume? I decided against a dress. I'm sure this makes you sad. Get over it.

2005-08-27T14:51:00.000-06:00

I think the world would be a better place if only it had more cowbell.

2005-08-26T12:01:00.000-06:00

I just love interesting graffiti. This is on a truck trailer near my place.

I used it to try out the mobile blog dealy. I can now blog on the go! Whoopee!

2005-08-25T21:09:00.000-06:00

I stole this from some hoser. Start at 1 and put a number next to each movie you've seen. I guess if you get to 70, you have no life. I got to 80. How sad.

(1) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(2) Grease
(3) Pirates of the Caribbean
(4 ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(5) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(6) Neverending Story
(7) Blazing Saddles
(8) Airplane
(9) The Princess Bride
(10) Young Frankenstein
(11 ) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(12) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
(12) Jason X
( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(13) American Pie
(14) American Pie 2
(15) American Wedding
(16) Harry Potter
(17) Harry Potter 2
(18) Harry Potter 3
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(19) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
(20) Donnie Darko
( ) Lilo & Stitch
(22) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) 13 Ghosts
(23) Signs
( ) The Grinch
(24 ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original)
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
( ) Thirteen Going on 30
(25) I, Robot
( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(26) Universal Soldier
( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
(27) KingPin
( ) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(28 ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
(29) Halloween
(30) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
(31) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(32) Practical Magic
(33) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(34) From Hell
(35 ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
(36) I Am Sam
(37) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Day After Tomorrow
(38) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(39) Nightmare on Elm Street
(40) Sixteen Candles
( ) Coach Carter
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(41) Seven
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
(41) Predator I
(42) Predator II
(43) Independence Day
(44) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(45) Christine
(46) ET
(47) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
(48) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways (49) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
( ) Ever After
(50) Forrest Gump
(51) Big Trouble in Little China
(52) X-Men
(53) X-2: X-Men United
(54) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(55) Catch Me If You Can
(56) The Others
( 57) Freaky Friday (the original)
(58) Reign of Fire
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(59) Old School
( ) Ray
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(60) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(61) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(62) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
( ) Hitch
(63) The Fifth Element
(64) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(65) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(66) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(67) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(68) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(69) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi
(70) Troop Beverly Hills
(71) Swimming with Sharks
(72) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
(73) Trainspotting
(74) People Under the Stairs
(75) Blue Velvet
(76) Sound of Music
(77) Parent Trap 1 (the original)
(78) Parent Trap 2
(79) The Burbs
(80) The Terminator
( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black

Holy Hometown, Batman!

2005-08-22T11:18:00.000-06:00

Today's Zippy is in Denver! That big bear peers into the convention center downtown! How exciting is that?!?!

Ah, Whimsy!

2005-08-20T12:39:00.000-06:00

I must say I am greatly amused by Babelfish. As I may have said before, it's alot of fun to put some english text in, tranlate it to japanese, and then back into english. The results have been consistantly strange and hilarious. In a wierd way. Well, it cracks me up, which may not do anything for anybody else acording to certain friends of mine. But I have decided, mostly out of boredom, to share this with you. I present to you the entire tale of Kitty and The Flame as translated by Babelfish.

As for anonymous quidnunc you thought that (the calendar of word day thank you) bro of my most love and that we would like to know the story of the being broken eye between the companion before the imbalance chemically. Therefore this the queer story, requires the example. As for that the enemy of their non- 倶戴 heaven, the hell where it strikes under the reason (as for that the common knowledge that is) succubi can call the other ogre to their help, the companion before the earlier description which creative ones which are called from depth is united is described. The beer swilling bystander who does not become aware in gravity of state makes the foolish attitude for the camera. As for him afterwards disemboweled.

In order I am best and for I to be able to do, this yarn is sent with relay. The name which is in order to protect the innocent person changed.

The sibling of McStudly of the spear from here being known, through that mother who knows her from work as "the flame" met to the kitty. The kitty first the girl it is good at first glance, and fairly was the pleasure which should pass the time. She when so it is really broken it is, joke being enjoyed, likes the fact that it inhales the tobacco, the ひっ chestnut does not obtain the bit in order to return. She still started sending information and many many items of information pleasantly concerning her plural diseases which are the girl straw raincoat like her even afterwards with relay.
The flame took the taste really in her, those started entering date. As for him those had, when that she truth seems "with 1 year old. It was the spear and "concerning the characteristic of the whimsical monkey completely he said before this, therefore the fact that the spear barely hides skeptical theory, however supports that sibling was tried. As for that the kitty or the flame as for directly neurosis conformity of dementia it was not moved to those which are certain, together before.
This is when thing... starting to keep being warped. When the house del of La Fuego is placed, you grasped from the friend feet of the kitty and her 17 cat courses concerning their medical science, and social problem pulled tore with the furniture and, started urinating with thing. It was good, the honest place, everything which is not 17 cats it was in peeing. He, only 4 months for flame took that in order to decide that the perhaps, very large mistake was made.
Clear, in another place, and that epiphany after those, perhaps it becomes the blind person to exclude the kitty from that skill weaving/grade of the flame which in wise decision was made it moved at first glance. The flame was restricted to town, the kitty returned to her home of Milwaukee. Then support in town. Then support in Milwaukee. She this, repeated the cat, at least, once more and disappeared next from life of the spear and the flame.
Between life of the flame you did not take that long in the return to normalcy. He could enjoy 18 monthly this. Then the call started, that thought of image of happiness of the kitty was infected once more with that side depending upon the poison which flowed from telephone reciever to that ear. Characteristic of the whimsical monkey well and image. And so, even in the statement of the spear in spite, as for the kitty as for waltzed and fear, it started for the second time in the apartment of the flame by her familial tension and unemployment being burnt.
As for the next 3 months there is the vicinity of indescribable. After consuming many alcohol, giving humiliation to the spear, keeping distance that friend, were 2 parties in the kind of place which goes to the length where she is splendid. As for 2nd rather than being distant, many gradiose and, and originating in dramatic 2nd greatly, destruction. This included the flame which Kitty tightened from that apartment. He the night, being finished in regard to the movement from Ma and Pa to the kitty, her of the gear is slow, you obtained, but know crossing you inserted with her monopolized ones. It came very, it is not.

This is in the place where it ends, for the present. She went out almost 1 year completly, but recently you show the face of disturbance with the spear, commute the taste of the flame. Perhaps her hang on in the flame. Perhaps, she should call the moth. Perhaps and so... there are many which come...

Ha ha! That shit's funny, isn't it, Sean?

This one goes out to my new friends

2005-08-19T11:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm not sure they're friends. They're names are Kala474jerrica and trinity31marquis, and they are using my blog to advertise some crappy lumber company. "Buy their stock" they say. "Fabulous hard wood" they say.

THIS BLOG IS NOT A FORUM TO ADVERTISE YOUR STOCK! We've got enough fabulous hard wood stalk around here! We don't need yours.

If I could delete their comments, I would. You wanna post ads, do that on your own blogs. Oh wait, I see the flaw in that. You want to put it someplace where there is a chance of people reading it. I won't let you take advantage of me, or my actual friends and readers, like that.

And granny's got my back. You DON'T want to face her wrath.

All the cool kids are doing it.

2005-08-12T11:43:00.000-06:00

be sorted @ nimbo.net

I so wanted to be in Slytherin. But the hat has spoken. And Ravenclaw it is. Just like that weeny Cho Chang. You know she's a weeny because not only can she put up with Harry's whining, she actually LIKES him.

Professional Karaoke, Here I Come

2005-08-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

Last night, the gang and I went to The Outback Saloon in Boulder for their karaoke contest. This one had a $10 entry fee, first time there's been a fee. Prize money, I presume. Anyway, I tied for first place! I'm so psyched! The final is August 31 at the same dive. Yes, it's a dive. Kate commented that in the swanky town of Boulder, full of hip and happening clubs and bars, I was able to find the one dive. What the hey, I like dives. So homey.
Well, I have a fair amount of confidence about the finals. Bob says the one thing I need to work on is stage presance. I can't argue. Maybe if I find a pair of stylish pants without pockets I'll do better. But with the singing of my "special song" I always knock 'em dead. Oh yea! I can say it because it's true. (My head isn't too big... yet)
Until next time, Laird, the prima donna, signing out.

The Lady On My Right Arm

2005-08-07T14:41:00.000-06:00

I guess not all of you know that I got a new tattoo. It's actually about 4 months old now. Got it at Bolder Ink in, um, Boulder. (The site hasn't been updated since October '03) But if you're in the area and feel the need to permanantly scar yourself, that's definatly the place to do it. They are nice, and it felt less like I was paying a biker to shoot ink into my arm than it felt like I was commisioning an artist to paint the canvas that is my body. There was concept drawings and everything.

P.S. Ma doesn't like it.

The Death of Romance

2005-08-07T13:57:00.000-06:00

Match.com Is starting to get a little depressing. I'm trying to have a positive outlook about it, but it's kind of trying. The women who advertise on the site are of course looking for their dream guy. This is unfortunately not a working class wiener with a state job. It's a doctor or movie star. Listen to me, single moms. You are not going to find a man who makes 100k a year on an internet dating site. They do not need it. "My daughter is the most important thing to me, along with your wallet." If they aren't looking for a doctor, they are looking for a vegetarian who doesn't smoke. Then there are the few who appear compatible. They have cute photos, like tattoos, and don't seem to care about income. Very interested in sense of humor. They are just not interested in answering e-mails. (pessimism alert) Even if they did, they'd probably want me for a big sister, anyway. I am honest and a listener, which makes me the guy that girls like to dump their problems on, but I'm not gonna beat them up, so I am uninteresting in a romantic sense. (end pessimism)
Things are gonna get better, I'm sure. It's just having gone 15 month's without the touch of a female is a little trying. If I was a virgin, I'm sure I'd be fine what with not knowing what I was missing. But I do know. And I miss it. It's making me wierd, and It's getting old.

I know my perfect woman is out there, just hope she's closer than Budapest.

2005-08-03T11:50:00.000-06:00

Alot of you have been bugging me for some, so here ya go. All for you.

Don't say I never selflessly gave of myself for you. Because now you know that would be a lie.

Drink deeply, and know I am with you.

Hey you kids!!

2005-07-25T22:46:00.000-06:00

GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Damn whippersnappers.

The Sordid Tale of Kitty and the Flame

2005-07-23T15:20:00.000-06:00

Some anonymous quidnunc (thank you word-a-day calendar) wanted to know the story of the break up between my beloved bro and his chemically imbalanced former mate. This is a bizarre story and therefore requires an illustration. It depicts said former mate teamed up with a creature summoned from the depths of hell (it is common knowledge that succubi are able to summon other demons to their aid) striking down their mortal enemy, Reason. A beer-swilling bystander, unaware of the gravity of the situation, makes a silly pose for the camera. He was later disemboweled.

I will relay this yarn as best I can. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Lance McStudly's brother, from here out known as "The Flame", met Kitty through his mother who knew her from work. Kitty was a nice girl at first glance, and fairly fun to hang out with. She liked to smoke, enjoyed a joke, and wouldn't get a bit upset if she were really broke. Even after she began relaying information about her several ailments, much too much information, she still seemed a fun girl.

The Flame really took a liking to her, and they began dating. He told Lance all about the freaky monkey sex they had, and that she was likely to be "the one." He had said this before, so Lance harbored a bit of skepticism, yet tried to support his brother. It wasn't long before Kitty and The Flame, in what certainly was a neurotic fit of dementia, moved in together.

This is when things began to go...awry. From the moment Kitty and her seventeen feline companions set foot in la casa del Fuego, they began to gripe about their medical and social problems, claw at the furniture, and pee on things. Well, to be honest, not all seventeen cats were into peeing. It took only 4 months for the Flame to decide that he had, perhaps, made a very big mistake.

Following his epiphany, or perhaps blinding glimpse of the obvious, The Flame made the wise decision to exclude Kitty from his exploits, and they moved into separate places. The Flame stayed in town, and Kitty moved back to her hometown of Milwaukee. Then back to town. Then back to Milwaukee. She repeated this, cats in tow, at least once more, and then vanished from the lives of Lance and The Flame.

It didn't take long for The Flame's life to return to normalcy. He was able to enjoy this for 18 months. Then the calls began, and the poison that flowed from the telephone reciever into his ear tainted his thoughts with images of bliss with Kitty once again at his side. Oh, and also images of freaky monkey sex. And so, despite Lance's protestations, Kitty waltzed back into The Flame's apartment, and the horror began again, kindled by her familial tensions and unemployment.

The following three months are near indescribable. The were two parties where, after consuming too much alcohol, she seemed to go to great lengths to humiliate Lance and alienate his friends. The second was far more gradiose and resulted in the second, and much more dramatic, breakup. This involved The Flame locked out of his apartment by Kitty. He was able to get in that night, but ended up moving in with Ma and Pa until Kitty got her ass in gear and got out on her own. Very messy.

This is, so far, where it ends. She completly disappeared for nearly a year, but recently has made disturbing appearances at Lance's and The Flame's favorite haunts. She may even be stalking The Flame. Perhaps she should be called The Moth. And so there may be more to come...

Well, I'll be dipped!

2005-07-09T14:06:00.000-06:00

I guess I can upload images to my blog now. No idea how long that's been going on, but this picture I found sums up my feelings on this issue. I thought I'd use it because the guy in this picture is, how you say, dead sexy. I don't usually go for dudes, but this guy, DAMN!

You want an update? Here's your bleedin' update!!

2005-06-27T15:19:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Haven't got any good reason, just haven't gotten around to it. Been to busy being a whiner, not that anyone would notice. I mostly just whine at myself. The reason is that I'm lovesick. I guess you could call it that. I guess when you're in a relationship for 6 years, you can start to take it for granted. The ol' "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" shtick. So recently I've been feeling like a smack head without a needle. I need a fix, Johnny, and bad. Thing is, I had a steady connection for so long, I've kinda lost my street cred. Even if I find a source, I'm too damn timid to make the connection. Whatever. I've probably been looking the wrong places anyway. Ma always says I won't find a nice girl in a bar. (Wait, was that Ma, or Amanda?)
Well, anyway, because of this quandry, I went and put a profile up on match.com. I figure with the way I work, especially when looking into a pair of pearly blues, I have better chances if we've kind of talked a little first. I've gotten poor results so far, but I'm blaming the fact that I haven't actually subscribed yet, so I am unable to recieve, or send, e-mail. Once I do that come payday, hopefully I will get better results. Right now, all I am able to do is send and recive "winks." That is, when you see somebody's profile you like, you send them a wink to let them know you are interested without actually having to come up with words in a letter. It drops them a line in their e-mail letting them know who did the winking, with a link to their profile and the option to return or refuse the wink. (Betsy and I tested it out. She made a mock profile just to play with me.) Well, it has opened the gateway to unspeakable horror.
Perhaps I am over reacting. I've sent winks to a few girls, 5 or 6, with the only results being 1 refusal, and a slap in the face by fate. I winked at her on tuesday evening. She was an itriguing blond with striking eyes and a tatoo fetish. "What harm could come from it?" I naively asked myself. In aproximatly 14 hours I found out. At work I was busy crunching some numbers when a line of customers came to the windows. I looked up from my work to find myself gazeing dumb-struck at the very same face I had viewed online the night before. I merely sped through the transaction and sent her on her way, as most of my mental capacity was focused on bowel control. I could tell from her awkward and tense mannerisms that she felt about the same way about the situation. The interaction was all of fifteen seconds, but seemed to last an eternity. Most of my friends sympathize with me and the extreme awkwardness of the situation. One though, calls it fate. She's berated me for not cracking wise or dropping one of my signature "gun-show" lines. I'm not sure. I'm just happy I didn't vomit.
There I go whining again. It ain't all bad. Life and times, I mean. I have been having my share of fun. Also got a bitchin' new tatoo. I have good friends, and my D&D characters are consistently a headache for my fellow players. (I emphasize the "roleplaying" part) I suppose life is good. Hell, it could be bushels worse.

Oh, yea. Special note to Mike and Kate. Expect to see "The Sordid Tale of Kitty and the Flame" within the week.

One More Straw

2005-03-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am getting close to not wanting to bother with women at all. If it weren't for the nagging in my loins I believe I could completly write them off. Who am I kidding, I needs me a girl. They just need to stop being aliens and act in a logical manner.
The point! Yes, there is one. I went to Pete's Beaver Park Inn in scenic Rollinsville for the whole karaoke thing last night. I wanted to bad because last time I went, there was a girl who was very attractive and was shooting out some signals that she thought the same of me. Well, the place was near empty. Apparently there is a big to-do about some corpse in a freezer in Nederland this weekend. But eventually she showed.
Again, there were some glances shot back and forth, and she did the whole blushing school girl bit. I was plotting how to approach and lay the mack down when the lesbians showed. They were pretty cool folks, fun loving and singers to boot. Sadly, however, the girl I was contemplating became very friendly with one of the other girls. VERY friendly. Were talking holding hands and kissing. I'm pretty sure they were going out.

Son of a monkey! If only I were a lesbian. But, alas...

Girls are dumb. At least, the girls I don't know are. (Nice save, Laird.) (Thanks, Laird.)

The End of an Era

2005-03-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Tragically, The Arena is no longer doing karaoke on sunday. This upsets me, since myself and my posse have been loyal customers for nigh on 5 years now. Guess we'll have to take our business, and entertainment value, elsewhere. Bastards.
A depressing end to a depressing weekend. Oh well, times they are a changin', as the great bard Bob once said.

Hey Kids!

2005-02-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while, sorry for that. Don't really have a good reason. But I haven't vanished. Some of you, I'm sure, are cursing this fact.

But I have a reason for this post. I just posted a deal on my poems page that I want folks to read. It is a lame attempt at lyrics to a country song. And although I use the name Stephanie in it, I am fairly certain it is not a revenge fantasy. For one, it is complete fantasy as I have never robbed a bank. For two, folks who know me well enough know that every woman I've had sex with has been named Stephanie, pretty much making them now out of bounds. And for three, Stef is not quite the kind of girl to go spending winnings from said imaginary heist on cocaine ond mescaline. Come to think of it, neither am I. So if Stef happens to read this, I love you babe, and most definatly am not hunting you.

And to my mother, may I remind you this is fiction. Country is all about hard livin' and hard dyin'.

Anyway, enough with the disclaimer. Please check it out, and tell me what you think. Tell me good or bad things, you won't hurt my feelings. In fact, I encourage honest critique as this will aid in future endeavors.

In closing, enough monkies in a room together can write great poetry.

Men Are Pigs

2005-02-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

It's true. If you don't believe me, you're living in a fantasy land. Say hi to Mr. Tumnus for me. Anyway, I got more proof of this this weekend.

It was a good weekend, all in all. Especially the night in question, Saturday. Went down town to Benders Tavern to see The Railbenders. Apparently the name is not coincidence since the bass player is part-owner of the bar. It was a kick in the pants, what a show! Went with Katie, Sean, Allyson, Amanda, and Bob. They had a good time too, I think. Anyway, they were hawking these beer-cozy deals at the bar, and one of the bartenders told Ally she could get two to "add padding." (Wink wink) There's some proof of men's swinly tendencies there, but the proof I speak of is coming.

So, Allyson was telling us this story, and as she was doing so, my eyes wandered. Here and there at first, but they stopped at her chest, just as she looked at me to see if I was paying attention. Well, I was, I guess. Just not in the way she was looking for. So, I've alienated one of my dearest friends. For this I am deeply sorry. Damn my wandering eyes!!!

She did say it wouldn't have been so awkward had it not been me. This makes me wonder if she still buys into the whole "Laird and Bob are boyfriends" thing.

Anyway, I'm a pig. Always will be. There's not an ass or rack that is safe from my ogling. Can't change me, just hope you all still love me.

2005-01-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a decent one, besides the relapse I mean. Went to a cool concert, worked my tail off (always a source of amusment), and got a great late christmas present from Amanda. And Katie, presumably.

They'd told me I was getting this present, but not what it was. Well, Katie had let on that it was a t-shirt that was meant to be mine. Not just meant to be mine, but it would have "been a sin" for me to be without it. This of course peaked my interest, and I had been trying to figure out just what it could be.

For weeks I had to suffer the wondering, Katie had said this about the 2nd of december. Then, when the day of gifting rolled around I was told by Amanda that it had sold out. I would have to wait. But it would be worth it, she assured me.

And, by golly, it was. Just saturday night, she presented me with the shirt. And, friends, let me tell ya, it is the holy grail of corn ball shirts.

In large letters across the top it asks "Got your tickets?" And underneath "To the gun show" with arrows pointing towards my enormous howitzer arms. Ha! I love it! Katie was absolutly right, it is the best shirt ever! I was so dumbfounded when I laid eyes on it I could only exclaim "Fuggineh!"

So this is a bit of a thank you post, you guys rock.

In other news, whoever the annonymous gossip is need only wait a short bit longer for the story of the Unstable Kitty Breakup.

2005-01-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

Well, Friday night I fell off the wagon. Yep, I smoked, sorry Ma. Smoked like a champ, too. Think I actually got a nicotine hangover. If you falling off the wagon, you should at least hurt yourself, right? Sounds catchy anyway, probably not too bright.

Getting back on now, though. Smoked all weekend and now it's time to get my shit together. So the clock resets at day 1. Here we are, day 1. Doot dee doo, keepin my mind on other stuff so it ain't on cigare... hey look, a wird piece of paper that kinda looks like honest Abe, dee dee.

Yep, He's Bitchin Again

2005-01-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'm alway's bitchin though. I walk down the street and people say "Wow! That guy's bitchin'!"
But anyway, was gonna bitch about my co-workers, but that might be getting old. You know I am not fond of their crankyness and negativity.

Am feeling extra naked today, like people can see my soul. I guess that's what this is for, and why I do it. Just need to get used to it. My poem page is the reason. Wearing my shit on my sleeve over there. It's out there for folks to make what they want with, for good or ill. If I don't get that shit outta me, it'll kill me. Big paradox there. Expose or die.

Sigh. At least it's friday.

Another thought

2005-01-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

It's true, I do have them occasionally.

Anyway, if Anne Geddes is Satan, Tom Arma must be Azrael or Baal. So their not bugs, but they are still twisted abominations. It's true! Check out Baby Cthulhu and the Young Elders. Beware though. A failed sanity check may cause you to stab your eyes out like I did. I'm now typing this by smell alone.

Oh, wait. He does have bugs. How absolutly repulsive. I now believe ol' Tom has dethroned Anne as the Lord of Evil.

Day 5

2005-01-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I would make it this far. I was thinking I would probably go a couple days and then give in. To cigarettes I mean. My friends are probably sick of hearing about, but this is kind of a big deal to me, so they'll have to deal. This has definatly been the most trying day of withdrawal so far. I don't know why, but I'm sure my co-workers have something to do with it. Had a manager breathing down my neck all morning, too. Fun stuff. Not just any manager either, this guy is like 3 managers down the revenue chain from the governor himself. Cripes! Curbed the urge with some fruit snacks. Those do ok, not quite a cigarette but tasty.
So I've beaten the demon back for another hour or two. I fear it will rise again, but I'll be ready. Ready enough I hope. Gah! I wanna kick things! It's ok, just chill there Laird.
But, kicking things would help...
Only for a while. Don't wanna swap smoke addiction for breaking stuff addiction.
But fruit snack addiction is ok?
For now. Not really destructive. We'll find something to ween you off those when the need arises. Whiskey, perhaps.

When I am Old

2005-01-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

I shall wear purple. At least in my hair. That'll really freak out the whipper snappers when I'm screaming at them to get the fuck off my lawn!! And I'll use that f-word, too. None of this sensitivity to profanity that seems to plague the elderly of today, hell no. I'm gonna be a progressive geiser. And ornery. Think I'll make a bet with the other shmucks in the rest home to see how many bars I can get 86'd from in a year. Right now, that's not my style, but when I'm crotchety, look out.

Just a Thought...

2005-01-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

But I'm pretty sure Anne Geddes is Satan. Who else would turn a healthy and beautiful human child into a twisted insectoid abomination?

Break

2005-01-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm on my cigarette break now, and instead of smoking I am eating a breakfast burrito and blogging about. I'm sure you would all love to know about my eggs, potatoes, and deliciously spicy green chili. You can even taste the love the lady who makes them puts in each burrito. I think it's love. Guess it might be cilantro.

Episode 5 of Saladfingers is worth a look. That toon keeps getting wierder. Gotta love it.

Mond-eh

2005-01-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

Howdy folks! I am feelin pretty groovy this morning and I don't know why. The nicotine withdrawal is lightening up I guess, maybe. Hard to tell until its one of those moments when it's easy to tell. You know, I never want a smoke again until I narrowly escape death or something. The weekend had a little more blah in it than I was hoping for. Spent the whole time working pretty much, but so what. Saw good friends during and after that time working, and we had a good time comparing war stories. (Amanda and Bob are also quitting cigs)
Mondays usually intimidate me. They also tend to set the mood for the whole week. It's too early to tell for sure, but this has been a good one so far. I woke up on time, bright eyed and bushy tailed, went to the DMV for lisence plates and was the only customer there, (felt like I was in the freakin twilight zone) and still had time for breakfast. Woo hoo! Let's hear it for not going hungry! And it wasn't a hot dog or anything.
Yup, I think I will make it through today, and will even be able to appear interested when people tell me about the Broncos. Ah yes, I'll say, They are quite the sporting club, aren't they. Many wickets under their shortstops...

I Am an Evil Genius

2004-12-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

Any simpleton can wallow in debauchery on new years eve. Simple minds out with simple friends hitting the simple town or attending a simple party drinking simple cocktails. I AM ABOVE THIS!! Whilst they are having simply a good time, I shall be taking advantage of their drunken vulnerability, exploiting their ale-sent generosity by offering a prize no drunk can resist. A prize that comes complete with a handsome, grease soaked cardboard display case. That steamy, cheese-laden ambrosia known as pizza.
And on the morrow, thanks to my sinister timing, the populace will be suffering from hang-overs and heart disease. In their weakened state they will not be able to fend off my awesome power! The world will be mine!
Have fun tonight, for tomorrow belongs to Laird!

Climbing Ladders and Rubbing Bellies

2004-12-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Last night was our weekly movie night. It was my turn and I picked Jacob's Ladder, a movie I'd seen a long time ago and remembered as being good and creepy. It wasn't as creepy as I remembered, though it did have it's moments of surreal horror. It was also fairly philosophical about the nature of the afterlife and the soul's preparation for departure.
According to the flick, it's the inability to let go of earthly wants that condemns you to hell, while accepting death with serenity and being able to leave all the things you had and people you know behind is the road to heaven. Kind of a buddhist way to look at it I suppose, sounds a lot like nirvana. Clinging to wants and memories, even the good ones, leads to eternal torment.
There's alot of stuff I want right now, mostly immaterial but I'd be lying if I said it all was, and if the golden b.b. found me tomorrow, I'm not sure how much of that I would be able to let go of. There's alot of life I have yet to experience, and most of it I could live a decent life without, but would I be ok knowing I would never get the chance? I can't really say, I don't count myself among the wise.
It's probably best to not dwell on it too much. That makes living not much fun. It would help to be able to live everyday like it was the last. Take chance's, get messy, insert additional cliche. If I don't live that way, I know there are many things I would never do, and would regret. I must do one of Laird's secret missions today, for I may never get the chance again.

Yep.

I hope you've enjoyed this bit of Kerouacian flow of thought.

Severing Back-monkies

2004-12-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

You know those christmas gifts you get that you really don't fully appreciate until later? When I was a kid, I hated getting clothes, but came to like the warm socks when a cold day showed up. I love getting socks now, but it took a while to warm up to them when I was eight. Or when you get an unexpected CD that made you say "gee... thanks" only to have it be one of the more prized in your collection. Well I'm giving myself one of those this year, and it's going to take at least a couple of weeks, maybe longer, for me to fully appreciate it. I am giving myself the gift of a smoke-free me.
This will have to be a belated gift as my previous post probably points out, but before the end of the year, it will be mine. And this time I will not fail, for this time it is for myself and no one else. Trying to quit just because someone else wants you to doesn't really work. I wanted to make them happy, but couldn't do it because I didn't want it. Now it is for me and me only.
Gonna have company, too. Hopefully this will help, although being around other recovering addicts may fray a few nerves. But at least there will be folks I can relate to in my withdrawl.
This is it though. The time is now. Joe Camel will be out of my life forever. Even if I have to lock myself in a room with a bunch of soup and three buckets. But not, of course, without one last hit...

Tales of Interest

2004-12-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

I promised myself that I would only do a post when I had something interesting to talk about, as if Santa-rants and speeding tickets are interesting. Well, this post is going to show the world, or the portion of it that reads my page, my ability to keep a promise, even to myself.
Almost ready for the holiday. Couple things left to get and I'm set. The hard part is finding something for my grandmother. She's flying in from Wisconsin to spend the holiday with us. Gotta get a couple things for friends, but it's the granny that's stressing me out. She's my last remaining G-parent, so I want it to be memorable.
Oh yea, and my brother's unstable ex is going to be there. I'm gonna need and extra cup of egg-nog for that. Making her a gift though, that's the kinda sappy shmuck I am. I will be pleasant and polite all night. I will be pleasant and polite all night.

Got Your Tickets?

2004-12-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

I got mine. Well, just one. But let me tell ya, one's enough. It's a speeding ticket I got in the People's Republic of Boulder. A slight 10 mph over the limit is going to cost me 100 bucks. So I'm a little pissed at the man right now. Funny since I work for the man. Processing traffic tickets.

The Biggest Sell-out

2004-12-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

I suppose we should all be used to people we respect selling themselves out by now. All the big athletes do it to supplement their modest incomes. Actors and musicians do it. Hell, even local news celebs do it occasionally. But there is one that puts my jockies in a bind more than all the others. I used to respect him immensly, but now it's all I can do to keep from vomiting every time I hear that fat man's name.
That's right. I'm here to accuse the big guy himself, Santa Claus, of being a disgusting sell-out. He used to be a symbol of charitable giving, now he is a symbol of Coca-Cola, and Best Buy, and Verizon Wireless. I guess it's not enough to be the spirit of giving, he's got to be the spirit of commercialism, too. Giving wasn't lining his wallet the way he would have liked.
Curse you, Claus! Have you no integrity? Have you no self worth? Think of the children! They need a selfless hero to look up to, not a product spokesman.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard. I'm sure the elven labor union has been on his back, and workers comp insurance has gotta take its toll. I hear those elven toy factories are death traps.
Still, he could be a little more choosey with which products he endorses. Maybe Slim Fast shakes, or Bally's Total Fitness, eh Fat Man? Let's send a possitive message here.
Gah! I am too filled with rage to type anymore!

Divine Comedy

2004-12-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Surfin around at work today I found a pretty cool site. Cheesy Jesus has alot of off the wall products depicting Haysoos, and christianity in general, in very humorous way including a " He is King" Christmas card with Him and Elvis. Good stuff. If you laugh, then I guess I'll see you in hell. Gonna be rough for you, too, since I got dibs on the top bunk.

Deep in the Hill Country

2004-12-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

My roommate Betsy and I have come to an agreement. We do live in the mountains, though quite not as far in as the title of this post suggests. It is, however, far enough in to allow a mild sense of seclusion. We do feel removed enough from the claustrphobic city environ that we can be fairly uninhibited without fear of alarming any neighbors. We are, in a sense, becoming a little bit like hill billies.
We have kept quite a few of our more civilized luxuries. Betsy is still a lover of fine wines, cheeses, and the internet. I, on the other hand, am still enjoying a bit of the night life. We are, therefore, much too refined to be hill billies. We've agreed a much more appropriate term would be Mountain William. Pretty much a hill billy, but a little more sophisticated.

Attention philistines!!

2004-12-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

As far as I know, I am the only one who really enjoys Zippy. I know there must be more, since it continues to be in syndication, and he's got a pretty sweet website, complete with a theme song. This baffles my friends and enemies alike. They never get it, and don't understand how I do.

The secret is knowing it is often not meant to be laugh-out-loud funny. There is sometimes a joke, not always in the last panel as with more conventional comics. Other times it is just nonsensical whimsey, not even meant to make any sense. I admire this.

To help my pals better understand Zippy, and thus better understand me, I offer up Bill Griffith's "How to Read Zippy in Five Easy Lessons." Right here.
Check it out, and quit your bitchin.

Down with Mondays!

2004-12-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

Monday again. Ugh. Don't know what the deal is with them, it's just another work day. But every single one is like a huge ordeal. It doesn't help that we are sailing without a captain. The boss is out due to surgery and will be until January. Makes it an adventure I suppose. Sure do miss her, though.

Tracy is rather subdued today, that is a blessing. She usually has several outbursts of negativity a day. I'll be happy for that. Usually I put alot of energy into letting her shit fly by, today I can put it to other use.

Welcome to my world...

2004-12-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

Howdy folks! This is the virgin post on the virgin blog of my life. I suppose this is where the internet edition of the story of my life is to unfold. But where to begin?

I suppose the best place to start is the recent events which have culminated in the creation of this page. I guess it starts with my divorce. Yep, I was married. For six years, the last two of which I spent trying to peel her away from EverQuest. She finally met somebody who scoured the EQ dungeons with her, an apparent necessity I could not help her with. She ended up decideing to leave me for this guy. She now lives in Arizona with him. I guess she deserves kudos for realizing she wasn't giving me what I needed, and going after what she did, whatever that's worth. I'm actually glad she did.

So now I'm a free man. I'm able to do what I want, when I want, completly guilt free. This has mostly been hanging with the people who really care about me, and honing my karaoke skills. Stick with what makes you happy, right? Bob's pretty much there with me for the karaoke. It's funny the way he sings the White Stripes followed directly by Johnny Cash or Hank Williams Jr. One of his roomies, Sean, comes along now and then. He doesn't sing much. I think he gets some kind of sadistic pleasure in watching us make asses out of ourselves.

I'm rambling, aren't I. Anyway through these guys I know Amanda and Katie. The are the blogger bunnies. I've checked their pages out here and there. The way they do their posts, it seems like they've found a good place to vent what's bugging them, share what makes them happy, and just kind of keep a running commentary of their lives. Katie asked me yesterday why I hadn't read her blog in a while, and said I should as there were brand spanking new posts. She also wanted a link to my site to put on there, and was apalled that I didn't have one. So here you go. This one's for you, Katie.

I will now end this post before it gets too long and uninteresting. Until next time, Laird out.